Tangled Truths.

Welcome to my life. One moment work driven, leading, managing, making decisions, driving business. Pausing midway through my day to read an interesting article, topic covers women and how we should stop trying to do everything.

Agreeing with that article, thinking, “Okay. I’m okay – I’m not crazy. Whew, good deal that I can’t keep up with:

This blog.
A consistent Yoga schedule.
Finishing that book.
Getting in that bedtime story every night.
All the mama things I think but don’t do.
Not nag.
That email I need to send.
That phone call I need to make.”

At which point in my day I pause to go relate to other mama’s of the world, catching up with some of my favorite blogs. I settle in, reflecting on life, softening up a bit. Realizing, it’s all going to be okay. I can do this.

I have so many aspirations, as I’m reminded often that life is short, and I want to take full advantage of my one wild and precious life. In the midst of this I tend to be my own worst critic, calling myself out on my shortcomings and all things not accomplished that day/week/month. Assuming that a couple of bad weeks that get in the way of juggling all priorities means permanence. I get frustrated; I give up, I self doubt.

Inevitably it’s at those points in my life that simplicity shows its true colors, and I’m reminded, to chill out. That I can do it. That all of those truths I know I want, I have, and I’m doing. I was feeling this way Friday night, and on into Saturday morning. Through tears and getting ready to take my daughter to ballet I’m screaming at my husband that I’m totally failing as I felt the strain of my work schedule, lots of late nights, client dinners, feeling out of shape, noticing my kiddos seemingly getting along just fine without me…

I get there, drop her off, and my son and I take a stroll – just the two of us – to the bookstore. Alone time with my son, or either of my kiddos for that matter, is rare. This, I realize, is a moment I need to fully wrap myself into.

We spend time playing with the trains, marching around the kiddos section, and it dawns on me that we should go on an adventure to find a book about elephants. Elephants are my son’s FAVORITE thing, hands down. As we “go to find the elephants” he’s aimlessly wandering the bookstore, wide-eyed, absorbing it all and stopping every five feet to pull something off the shelf. With the help of a very sweet employee, we had two elephant books in hand, and we headed to a big comfy chair to dive right in. It was at this moment that I caught my breath again. He’s two, but he read to me. He showed me the different elephant pictures and repeated himself 1034 times. Closing the book, opening the book, pointing to a page, saying “the end.” It was exactly what I needed. Simple.

I do have an ambitious to do list, not going to lie. For me, it’s simply not okay to not get to all of it. I just have to remind myself that getting to all truths all at once requires the sun and the moon to align with the stars and nothing short of miracle to happen. That leaves me with my own constant truth – life is good. Stop, smell the roses, sit on the sideline a bit, it will all be there to get picked back up.

My truth: A new dawn is a new day, and a new day is another try.

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1st day of school…

BOTH of my kiddos started school today. What does that mean? It means I’m back at work. I say school instead of daycare because it makes me feel better. Where they go is a great place, awesome teachers, awesome curriculums – rules like, no baby in cribs unless they are sleeping no TV’s, etc…it’s a good place. But it’s not home, and I’m not with them.

I have a great job at a thriving company so I honestly cannot complain at all. It’s just that staying in our pj’s until Ellen was over every morning with a hot cup of coffee and my beautiful babies by my side was amazing. Planning dinners, keeping up with laundry, seeing friends for lunch, rainy days where we baked cookies, played barbies, painted, and watched too much TV….all so incredibly wonderful memories. I cherished my time home this second time around more than ever, knowing it would go by so fast and also knowing it would be my last (while they are babies, at least). I had days where I screamed into a pillow when schedules just didn’t stick and melt downs occured. Thankfully my husband was there to pick up the pieces when he got home and get us all back on track. I don’t really remember those days near as much as all of the fantastic moments I had just being a full time mommy.

I’ve always struggled with this since having kids, as I’m sure most moms do. I don’t believe I’m destined to permanently stay home with the kids, but I do think that maybe through a year old would be absolutely ideal. At this very moment that option just doesn’t exist for me and I have to do what is best for my family in the long run. I’m 100% not trying to be all ‘woe is me’ here as there are hundreds of thousands of moms out there doing this everyday too. And, I do like working. Harder for me to see that at this exact moment because this is literally day 1 back, but I know I like the intensity, the challenge, and the financial reward that goes with having a career.

All things in time always work themselves out. Emotions will calm down, schedules and routines will exist and I’ll still love on my babies every single day as much as possible. The 1st day of school was just tough for me, period.

Final Countdown!

Last Thursday I went to see my doctor, weekly check up, with no expectations. I left knowing that I was 3 cm dilated and thrown into a whirlwind of ‘whooohooo – let the labor begin!’ It’s Monday…and still, no baby.

Over the weekend I was counting every ache and pain thinking surely the little man would grace us with his presence any minute. It’s Monday, no contractions, no baby…yet.

I do believe in divine intervention and in my case I believe someone was telling me I needed to take a few days to decompress. Looking back at the last few months I truly don’t know that I ever really was able to relax like I tried to do, primarily because work was just so nonstop. Throw the rest of life on top of that and I don’t know that I ever allowed myself to get fully into new mom mode. This week I’m off of work and able to do what I want to do – mani, pedi, a little shopping at Sephora, lunch with friends, hanging with Brooklyn. Laundry can be done at my earliest convenience, dinner can get started before 6:30, life can go at a pace that I have more control of. As much as I’m ready to get into that hospital and get this done I am enjoying these couple of days to get myself back to normal. But…don’t get me wrong, it’s in the back of my mind always that I’m one step close to being a mom of two. I can’t wait!!!!!!

Let the final countdown begin….!

Case of the Mama Mondays

My husband called me this morning after he dropped our daughter off to tell me she had the worst break down ever as far as school drop off goes. Her school is right near his work so he takes and picks up every day. I am very grateful for this as it can be taxing on one person to do this every single day. Every morning he drops her off, watches her kick and scream, and starts his work day. We know this is normal behavior, they get over it as soon as you leave, but sometimes knowing that doesn’t make it any easier.

Today was especially bad he said, lots of kicking and screaming “No DADDDDDYYYYY!!!!

When she woke up this morning she was in a great mood saying ‘good mor-ing!’ to us as Dom brought her downstairs. She asked for me and just laid on my chest for a few silent, still moments. My favorite times. She was acting goofy, dancing to Barney, enjoying pancakes & her ‘bna-na’.

We do this routine 5 days a week and most days go really smooth. Others, like this morning, suck. I miss her, I want to stay home, comfy in our pj’s, coloring, reading, playing, exploring…nap time after lunch while I get myself together, play on Facebook, blog, clean, start dinner, do some laundry. Wake up and go to the park, get home have a snack and wait for Daddy to get home. (Notice in my perfect world there are no meltdowns and tantrums to deal with). 🙂

It has nothing to do with dreading my actual job, that’s not really the case at all. It has everything to do with just having a case of the ‘mama Mondays’.

Watch me grow

There is this super nifty little thing that Brooklyn’s school has that allows me to log in and watch her via video stream throughout the day. It’s called ‘Watch me grow.’ This is beneficial for many reasons,

a.) I can see what they are doing at any time which prevents any weirdo’s from getting away with stuff they shouldn’t.
b.) Allows me to see how she’s interacting, if she’s sleeping when she normally would be, eating, playing well, etc…
c.) Keeps me somewhat connected to her even though she doesn’t know it, and helps feed that curiousity of ‘what the hell is my child doing all day!?’
d.) Makes me insanely jealous and sometimes borderline emotional wreck for my work environment.

I’m sure d. comes primarily at the same time every month when my raging hormones are just being on their best behavior. The same timeframe where I cuss, scream, and cry about nothing important all in a matter of minutes. You know, when my husband loves me the most and thinks I make perfect sense. Wink, wink.

She just transitioned into her 3rd classroom this week. She started there in the baby room, moved into the 2nd classroom, and now that she’s hit a year old is moving again to bigger and better places with new friends to make and different teachers. This new classroom requires them to wear shoes every day. This is symbolic because we are definitely starting to get away from a wardrobe of cute onesies to actual outfits (shoes-score!). She gets to listen to Spanish, play in sandboxes, sit at mini-tables with matching mini-chairs, do arts and crafts, play fight with friends, and GROW.

…And I get to watch. It’s truly bittersweet being a working mama.